i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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