did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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