apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The feeling are messing with the penis
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
