there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
