Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize