Your face is a jimmy john
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
