His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
cat food counts as protein by the way
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize