No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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