Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
