get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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