matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize