My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
