I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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