I faked an abortion last night.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize