Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Randomize
