i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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