She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
