Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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