Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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