i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
