I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize