Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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