Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
