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When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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