Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm like, not good at living.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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