My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
