A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
