I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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