So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize