dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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