i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
