so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
