Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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