Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
