one might say we're banned from that church
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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