I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
