what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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