So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
