Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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