i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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