in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
