And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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