Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
