How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
