Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
