i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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