Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
