so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize