I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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