I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
