We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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