vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
