I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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