so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
