shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
