Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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