i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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