I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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