he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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